WE CAN ALL CHANGE
The truth in yesterday’s Pascal quote is undeniable. At least in my case. And I can prove it. Take a look at Paul Williams, Still Alive, the warts and all documentary by Steve Kessler about my life and you’ll see a version of me that is hopefully, as unlike the man I am today as- well, enter your own metaphor. Frankly, I’m at a loss for words when I look at some of the archival footage in the film.
There’s a particularly painful little clip of me hosting The Merv Griffin Show. Clearly loaded on cocaine and God knows what other substances, I am arrogant, shallow, dead eyed, arrogant. Yes, I know it’s in there twice and about as unlikeable a little gremlin as you’ll find on the tube. And here’s the worst part- I had no sense of who I had become. No sense of how far I’d drifted off the scale of acceptable human behavior. None.
A quick look at my bio will tell you I’d just rolled through an amazingly productive decade of great success. I had endless opportunities and one lucky break after another. I should have been a portrait of gratitude. A vessel of humility for better writers, better singers and actors who’s make up brush I couldn’t carry had far fewer jobs, accolades, income. I was one blessed little songwriter who was convinced he deserved it all. Convinced he’d earned it.
I’d like to share something. It’s all a gift. While I put my name on the songs I write and know I sit in the room and wrestle with rhymes, there is not doubt that there is a consciousness above my own I tap into and once in a while, when I stay out of the way, an honest and effective tune or lyric comes tumbling out of my mouth. It’s all a gift.
What changed? How did I become the thoughtless, self obsessed, hedonistic egomaniac you see in that clip. I certainly didn’t start out that way. Raised in a household where I was told to “ treat your mother like a lady and every lad like your mother” and “it doesn’t cost a dime to be a gentleman but it’s the greatest investment you’ll ever make.” I always had decent values and prided myself in being a kind man. The change began with the practice of medicating my unconscious fears with alcohol.
I’d walk into the bar a Shetland pony and come out a mustang! The booze made me feel big enough to deal with the rest of the world and cocaine made me feel like I could shoot basketball for money! What I didn’t recognize was the fact that as I began to turn to a substance for support I began to disconnect with my fellow man. Began to loose the ability to learn. Learning usually requires an initiative action of honest confession. “I don’t know how to do this. Could you show me how?”
Let me repeat that magical mantra. “I don’t know how to do this. Could you show me how?” It’s a golden key to a life of growth. Of learning. Of building an inventory of life skills.
Who am I today. They say you shed your skin completely every seven years. Sober 23 years, I’m Paulie the Fourth. Physically I’m a different man. Certainly healthier. 30 pounds lighter due to the willingness to change my behaviors. I eat differently, run every morning and I love it.
Truth be told, I think there was an unconscious belief that I didn’t deserve the success I was having and couldn’t deliver the next miracle I was convincing the world I could deliver. What in the world would it take to save me?
Disaster? You don’t need to wait for the thunder and lightning. If your life is lumbering along with one misstep after another, If you’re beginning to suspect that “something needs to change and it might be you” You’re at an important and glorious place in your life.
My Mother would say, “Lordy that boy can talk, talk talk.” I can and do. But, I’m also a much better listener these days. “Gratitude And Trust” will hopefully be a place of conversation. Of shared vision, perspective and learning. My desire to live a different life than the one I’d escaped led to the writings and teachings of some amazing men and women. In the days ahead we’ll share some of that material with you and hope you’ll do the same.
The man I am today lives in Gratitude and Trust. I am grateful for all the bumps, stumbles, mistakes and life lessons as well as all the good that has been so generously heaped on my plate. And I trust that the future will provide everything I need. I’ve tried to clean up the messes that other me has made. And I’m happy to take the bows for the decent work he did. I’m more productive today than I’ve ever been in my life. And never more grateful for the opportunity to do my thang.
Paul Williams is a singer, songwriter, actor, recovery advocate and has been a fixture on the American cultural scene since the seventies. His book Gratitude and Trust is now available.