INSTA – FIX
Mistakes. We all make them. Big and little. Major and minor. They’re a part of life, especially these days. With all of us moving at the mind-boggling speeds provided by the net, mishaps are almost guaranteed. Ranging from a thoughtless remark to a real tsunami of nasty we all lose it once in a while.
For the most part the hurt we’re distributing is unintentional. I think many of us have experienced that heart stopping moment when, after jotting down a few venomous comments, you hit send only to realize you’ve emailed the wrong person. That has enormous consequences when the message contains an unkind remark about the person who’s accidentally received the mail or text! That’s a moment that can build walls and knock down bridges in a heartbeat. The quickest way I know to turn family and friends into a ‘torch and pitchfork crowd. Okay, oblique reference. Frankenstein monster being chased by the townspeople. Great movie. Black and white. I digress.
Having experienced that sad situation, (I was the creator of one particularly unkind catastrophe), I’ve become a little more cautious when it’s time to tap the send button. More importantly these days when I write I’m prone to ask myself a simple question. What’s the quality of the content? Is it truthful? Loving? Kind? Accurate? Self-serving? Gossipy?
If I’m writing an email that contains information that’s less than complimentary about someone I ask myself a second equally simple question. “What would that person think of this message if they saw it?” It’s an efficient device I use to measure my behavior and it’s impact.
Still, Shat will happen. Doo doo will be stepped in! What to do when the error has already occurred? When the deed is done and you come face to face with the hard cold fact that you’ve done a bad, baaaaaad thing. What then?
Mike Nesmith, a terrific songwriter best known for his time as a member of the Monkees, is second generation clever, creative and inventive. His Mother, Betty Nesmith Graham was a secretary who became frustrated by the fact that a typing mistake would essentially ruin a document. She decided to do something about it. She invented liquid paper. “WhiteOut”! In pre digital days when everything was terrestrial communication “White-Out” became the typists and the trees best friend. She made the first batches in her bathtub and decades later sold the company for many millions of dollars.
It would be wonderful if there were such a remedy for the wrongs we do. Digital damage control! An Insta-fix App that would repair the tear in a friendship. An e-amends link that would deliver us to instant ‘make it better’ bliss. Serenity Reboot. Whew. Wouldn’t it be nice? A quick fix that could be applied to bruised egos, ruffled feathers, repainting pained expressions with a smile of forgiveness.
It’s a little more low tech but there is such a device. It’s called an apology’! An amends. It’s the gallant glue that’s been rectifying wreckage of the past and present for many years. It’s an effective tool if used properly.
They don’t need to be cleverly worded. They need to be real. “I’m sorry. I was thoughtless. You didn’t deserve that and I understand that you’re mad. I take compete responsibility for my actions and would like to make it up to you.”
A suggestion. When you make your amends say what you have to say and then stop talking. Listen! I’m one of those people who go into hyper-drive when I know I’m wrong. A candidate for On-And-On-Anon! I finally understand that brevity is sometimes a blessing.
Combined with sincerity, rigorous honesty and evidence of changed behavior an apology can be as valuable to a relationship as the key is to your car.
Humbly offered with true regret and a willingness to change, an amends can lift you and the recipient of the amends to a higher level of mutual understanding, respect and even intimacy.
Of course, we’re only half of the dance team in the regret rhumba. There’s no way to predict how your offering will be received. You may be shown the door by an uninterested party. You’re not responsible for their reaction. Let me repeat that. You’re responsible for the mistake or hurtful action. You own it. That doesn’t mean it’s going to just disappear. Accept the fact that forgiveness may take time … may not come at all.. But love is powerful and with the miracle ingredient of humility added to the mix you may soon enjoy the healing reward of a reunion.
There’s a wonderful saying in recovery. “Lord, walk with your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.” Life is better when we don’t do the damage in the first place. But, if you’ve stumbled remember your human and humans make messes. Clean it up. Your amends may lead you back to a renewed friendship, reborn and infused with Gratitude and Trust.
Paul Williams is a singer, songwriter, actor, recovery advocate and has been a fixture on the American cultural scene since the seventies. His book Gratitude and Trust is now available.