“FAR SIGHTED!”
I’m not athletic. I don’t know where I fell on the scale of jock-potential but I’d imagine it’s a number that would produce a big sigh followed by an accepting “Oh Well.” I always felt a little relieved to be picked last for team sports in school and the bench was much more comfortable and less dangerous than the playing field. I was king of the bad bounce. I knew that jammed thumbs and dropped fly balls were waiting if the coach/teacher put me in.
There are sports I enjoyed in my younger, crazier days. At various times in my life I rode and raced motorcycles, raced cars and quit sky diving after 100 jumps. Friends suggested to me more than once that I was attracted to high-speed sports to compensate for being small. That I wanted to prove to the world I was a real man. I laughed at that and said it was ridiculous
After getting sober I spent a lot of time and good money on a great therapists couch. She told me I’d been compensating for … Exactly.
There’s a lot of information in that little episode of denial. We hear things, I suppose, when we’re ready to hear them. As a songwriter I realized that I was able to write honestly about my feelings when they were distant. In other words if I was all alone and longing for a relationship I could write about “A Perfect Love”.. and when I found true love with ‘the one’ I could write about “Loneliness”.
So distance can provide clarity and I think that’s valuable information. In my blog titled “Insta-Fix” I wrote about apologies. Part of the recovery process is to make amends. We seek to identify those people in our personal history that have suffered from our behavior. It’s an interesting process. I’ve identified people who, without a doubt, were victims of my thoughtless or sometimes intentional bad behavior. “No brainers” is the phrase that comes to mind. I’d done them wrong and needed to repair the damage.
But, there were a couple of instances where I was absolutely sure that no amends was required. That my behavior, if unfriendly or aggressive, was justified and I’d never apologize for my actions.
Tick tock. Tick tock. A few calendar pages get torn off and suddenly things begin to look very different. Suddenly the person I was so sure was a monster is starting to look human. The balance begins to shift and for the first time I clearly see my own culpability in the misadventure.
What happened? I think a fair metaphor is a full moon rising. Low on the horizon we see the moon refracted by the haze of the evening sky. Seen through the lens of a little smog or dust the moon appears to be huge. As it rises clear of the low level floating debris we begin to see it right sized.
I think time allows me to observe an incident free of ego related emotional debris. The passion or the pain or the need to be right in the moment has diminished. The facts remain and I can observe the truth and respond accordingly.
“More Will Be Revealed” is a bumper sticker saying amongst my fellow recovering addicts. It’s proving to be right. The lesson for me and perhaps for all of us is to stay flexible and write our personal history in pencil rather than ink. The days, months or years ahead may offer a different more accurate version of the days of our lives. Take a moment now and then to look back and see if there are chapters of your story that are being rewritten. The lessons are ongoing and I for one trying to make the truth a full time companion. As I learn more about myself and my past behavior I can adjust accordingly, play fair and in the process become ever more committed to living in Gratitude and Trust.
Paul Williams is a singer, songwriter, actor, recovery advocate and has been a fixture on the American cultural scene since the seventies. His book Gratitude and Trust is now available.