Feb 11 2015
Addictions, Mistakes, Moving Forward, Pain, Self-Worth
THE CAR WRECK
Recently I had the lovely pleasure of being in a car accident. Yes that was sarcasm. No it was not lovely.
Happened on a Monday night on my way home from work. I hit the car in front of me. Thank goodness everyone involved was okay.
Let me just tell you, I was a rattled frazzled mess. My body was shaking – My thoughts trying to comprehend what had just happened.
After we exchanged info and he drove away I found myself wanting to kick and scream about the situation. To point fingers. To blame. I was beside myself for what I had just done.
If only. If only my fiancé’s schedule had been different I wouldn’t have left work when I did. If only the friends we were suppose to meet for dinner didn’t change their plans, which resulted in my heading home for a change of clothes. If only.
Point being I wanted to be anywhere in the world but right there on the side of the freeway having just hit the car in front of me. I didn’t want to be present. I didn’t want to be in reality. I wanted to blame everyone around me, but me.
Then the fantasy started. Thoughts of being in trouble. Of my insurance company dropping me. Of the guy that I hit taking me to court and suing me for every penny I have.
Next up were the self-annihilation thoughts. How the universe doesn’t like me and how I deserve this mess. How I’m worthless and no good. And then I stopped. Because I realized that it sounded a heck of a lot like my childhood.
A childhood of complete and total deprivation; A childhood where I was abused emotionally; Sometimes physically.
A childhood where it seemed that everyone was out to get me. The end result being that I believed, and sometimes still do, that everything is my fault and that I’m a worthless piece of you know what.
As soon as I stopped with those horrible no longer serving thoughts my night got a lot better. In fact as soon as I stopped with the negative beliefs a path was cleared for the truth.
I’m not bad. I didn’t do anything wrong. Everything will be okay.
Accidents happen all the time. My life is not over just because of an accident. I’m not in trouble. I’m not a bad boy. That’s the truth.
Inconvenience? Yes. Do I still wish I could get in a time machine and go back in time to before the accident happened? Yes again. End of the world? Only if I let it.
Today I choose to not let it regardless of how strong the pull is in the opposite direction, and trust me it’s strong. We all have choice. The choice to be present with any situation and remind ourselves that everything is and will be okay.
We can choose to accept that our lives are unfolding perfectly or we can choose to listen to old beliefs and believe the opposite. Fight it or embrace it. The choice is yours.
For the first time in my life I’m starting to embrace the adventure. I’m starting to believe the truth. I’m okay. I always have been.