Acceptance, Moving Forward, Right Action
RELATIVELY SUCCESSFUL
The other evening I had dinner with a long-time pal. He gets to town every couple of months and, being from the Midwest, jumps at the chance to eat Mexican food whenever he’s this close to the border.
Normally we talk about what great families we are blessed to have and dirt bikes and camping – in that order – but this night he was way off center. He kept talking about work.
My friend has managed a successful firm for a number of years, earning the owners many millions of dollars through his amazing skills, excellent judgment and compassion for the people with whom he works both up and down the chain of command.
Recently one of the owners had chosen to voice his displeasure with something, who knows what, by telling my buddy that he had “failed” at a particular task. Not a task of great consequence, just some operational thing. My friend was obviously upset by the way the critique had been delivered.
Fortunately, solace arrived shortly in the form of a sizzling fajitas platter and the conversation eventually reverted to the fun stuff.
When success is defined solely as the opposite of failure it really cuts success short. I don’t think success and failure should be looked at as being mutually exclusive – it’s not fair and it’s not healthy. In this context, it’s a cousin to the blame / shame game.
True, we cannot escape the world’s definitions of success. But we can create our own definitions – on any level we choose.
In recovery, for example, it is essential that success is based on challenges that are doable, within reach in the short term, and not too much of a stretch for a person struggling, moment to moment, with what is often life-threatening behavior. One of the most basic of these challenges is to just stay sober today – that’s all – just today. And when you go to bed that night – sober – that is HUGH!
Having a small success like that is the best incentive I know of to having another. Preferably right away. That’s the beginning of sobriety but it can also be the beginning of just about anything else. Each little success is a building block of the big success.
So why not enjoy yourself during construction?
My own recovery is teaching me that I can bring joy to my life, almost at will, by creating “micro-successes” throughout the day or week, breaking down the life goals into manageable bites or just having some fun learning something new or reviving an old skill.
I have a totally unsubstantiated hypothesis that a micro-success is roughly equivalent to eating a delicious piece of dark chocolate – equivalent in terms of the amount of dopamine that is released in our brain’s reward pathways.
Using chocolate as the baseline, I’m gathering evidence by performing field studies. Here’s one:
A couple of weeks ago I dug out my old Bach Strad trumpet which had been in the closet for twenty years. Couldn’t blow a clean note at first but kept at it for a day or two until I was running a few scales. It wasn’t long before I was blatting along with Miles Davis on Freddie Freeloader note for note. Me and Miles.
No recording executive called me but I got exactly what I wanted anyway. After twenty years, I was blowing straight-ahead jazz with Miles. What a moment of joy.
Now I’ve decided to practice so I can play with the mariachis.
Success is relative. It can be measured in steps and it can be built upon. While you are waiting to celebrate the big success of graduating after years of school, for example, make each day in class or each essay a micro-success.
Decide to cook a challenging new dish. Save money for a trip. Go to the gym or jog a bit each day. Find something that challenges you at work and get really good at it.
Give those little victories the importance they deserve and celebrate when you’ve knocked one out. They are the building blocks of a life worth living and they should be acknowledged regularly!
Bryan Castner is a retired industrial designer and mechanical engineer whose personal journey includes struggles with substance abuse that began when he was in the U.S. Marine Corps during the Vietnam War. Now in his fourth year of sobriety, Bryan has embarked on a second career as a substance abuse recovery group facilitator and psycho-educator. He recently acquired a degree in Social Services and has applied for counseling licensure in the State of Arizona.
Bryan is married, has two daughters and three grandchildren. He lives in Tucson.
Bryan can be reached at twohotelbravo@hotmail.com.