Mar 27 2015
FAITH vs. HOPE
Believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.” – ~Rainer Maria Rilke
When you come to the edge of all the light you have known and are about to step out into the darkness, FAITH is knowing one of two things will happen-there will be something to stand on or you will be taught how to fly
A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen, aspiration, wish, ambition, aim, goal, plan, design; a want for something or someone to happen.
HOPE. My God how I have hoped, hoped for love, hoped for thinner thighs, hoped he would come back, hoped my mother would be what I wanted or needed her to be, hope for connection, hope he would leave, hope for recognition that you exist, hope for a better job, better life, a puppy. How much do we ‘hope’ for, how much do we put into ‘hope’? Does ‘hope’ serve us well?
Oh the years that I have wasted ‘hoping’ for a different reality than was mine. Oh the years spent not quite reaching all the way in, all the up, all the way out because of fear, but oh I hoped.
My self forgiveness journey reminded me that we often hope the past was different than it was, we hope for some magical apology for everything to be ok…we hope, we hope, we hope. Yet we often feel empty, like there is an unmet desire deep inside and if only_______would happen, life would be great. We argue against reality, we alter reality through addictions all while hoping for a different past, present, future, and outcome. We pin everything on hope.
As I was doing my own personal archaeological dig into my past, poking my demons, and opening the skeleton closets that seemed to have no end I started to wonder what would happen if I stopped hoping for shit.
Well, that got the old Triple A personality, addict, OCD planner all screaming at each other…….GET her back here NOW…….don’t let her walk to that edge. Keep her HERE, here we can control her, we can keep the hamster wheel of negativity going, the committee of assholes can continue to meet, in fact, they have a big board meeting about all this self forgiveness shit.
As I noticed this flurry of activity, I did not try to stop it, argue with it, bargain or negotiate with it, just noticed it and then I was reminded of my new principle. I was reminded of how I committed to entering my forgiveness and self -forgiveness work with a principle and I chose TRUST. I chose trust because I was about to leap, about to jump off the cliff into the unknown, into the not yet experienced self forgiveness realm and I knew one of two things……everything would change OR I would remain in the shaming abyss I have spent my whole life in.
There was only one other time I was at that fork in the road. It was a day that I had to choose between killing myself or going to AA knowing my whole life would change irreparably. The day I walked through those doors was not a day filled with hope, oh no, all my hope was gone, all my bargaining was gone and I was left with FAITH.
When you come to the edge of all the light you have known and are about to step out into the darkness, FAITH is knowing one of two things will happen…..there will be something to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.
That faith was one of desperation, of force, not of choice. Today, as I live my new life of forgiving everyone (me especially) for everything I am filled with faith. I am not hoping for a different past, presence or future. I am filled with faith that whatever is going to happen is going to be for my greater good and that includes pain, grief, sadness, joy, love, ecstasy. It is all for me!
It is incredibly freeing to feel the unattachment to outcome and the safety of faith. This does not mean that I will not plan, go to work, have goals and work towards them but it does mean that I need not control, hang on with my teeth and finger nails, it means that I have FAITH, a deep, soul KNOWING that no matter what… there will be something to stand on or I will be taught how to fly.
HOPE is anxiety producing, waiting for IT to come, happen, materialize, dare I say victimy, which often leaves one working from a position of lack and pining, always striving, striving, striving, without control, always waiting ~ living in the past or future.
FAITH is calm, gentle, comforting, freeing, safe, peaceful, ‘presence’ producing and empowering ~ faith allows for ‘being’ instead of ‘doing’, ‘allowing’ instead of ‘controlling’. FAITH is knowing that ALL IS WELL
Hope no more my precious souls, have faith all is exactly as it is supposed to be.
This blog originally appeared in Rebelle Society