WHY AM I REALLY COMPLAINING?
I’m at jury duty and hating every second of it. Where’s the judge? I really want to give her a piece of my mind. Judge? Come out come out where ever you are.
Speaking of which I just had the chance to tell her why serving on this jury is tough for me. Financially that is. Didn’t care. Next! Excuse me? I work on commission and if I’m not at work I don’t have the chance to make money. Hence financial difficulty. “Do you have a savings?” she asked. Yes. “Great so there’s no problem” she said. Next!
I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. My savings are my savings. There for emergencies not jury duty. How dare she even go there. If I could only just get her to see it my way. To see how this is all one great big giant inconvenience. If only.
Yesterday was day one. Thought I’d get excused but didn’t. Driving home I was a complete mess. My insides kicking and screaming like never before. How dare these people inconvenience me like this. How dare them!
As I sat there on the 101 fwy in bumper to bumper traffic I said to myself out loud “I’m in hell”. Excuse me? Did I just say hell? Yep. That’s where my mind took it to. That’s what I was telling myself I was in.
Here’s what I came up with. It’s a self induced hell. I put myself there. I manifest it and willingly walk through the door. I do it all the time. It’s in the make up of my brain. My wiring.
Traffic? Hell. Long line at the bank? Hell. Jury duty? Hell. Oh Zachy. We have so much to learn. So much to work on.
Why? Why do I keep doing this to myself. Like today right now. I’m so angry. Angry with everyone in the court house. Angry to the point where I’m shooting daggers with my eyes at everyone. Literally everyone. I want everyone to know how much pain I’m in.
Yes pain. Not getting my way pain. Worried that nobody is listening to me pain. I’m not special pain. I don’t matter pain. I sure don’t feel like I’m being heard. I feel like I don’t matter.
Okay first things first. That’s not a feeling. That’s a thought. Big difference. It’s a self induced thought. Second, I’m not in hell. I’m in beautiful sunny southern California. Just because I have the thought doesn’t mean I have to act on it.
Well stop it Zachary! It’s hard for me to do so. So terribly hard for me to do so. Try harder. Rise above the situation. I’m trying but the anger keeps grabbing my leg and pulling me down. Trying to drown me. Destroy me. I keep telling myself that this is what I make of it but the negativity keeps pulling me down deeper into the darkness. Into my own self induced hell.
So the work to be done is?
A lot. For starters I need to work on believing that I’m not alone. That other people here are just as miserable as I am. But I like believing that I’m the only one! In a warped distorted way it’s my brains way of telling me that I’m special. If I’m the only one in pain and inconvenienced people might take pity on me. Like I said, warped.
Secondly I have to let go of the outcome. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. So what if I have therapy tomorrow morning and I might have to cancel. So what if I have to reschedule my genius bar appointment at the Apple store. But that sucks!!! Yes Zach it does. It’s called life and there are far worse problems we can have.
Lastly and this is the big one, I have to work on not complaining. When I complain about something or someone all I’m really doing is staying in the victim role and manipulating to get my needs met. Yes my needs. If I just complain loud enough someone will ultimately sympathize with me. Through someone else’s sympathy I feel cared for. Loved. Heard. So usually I complain pretty darn loud.
It’s time to sit with whatever feelings are coming up inside me and be okay with them. To know that I am enough. Just as I am. Complaining only takes me away from me.