KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE DONUT AND NOT UPON THE HOLE
When my daughter, Nava, was diagnosed with neurological disabilities 30 years ago, I grieved my heart out with anger, bitterness, resentment and total sadness. The dream and hope of that perfect baby was shattered. My child would have life-long disabilities, the extent of which would be revealed with time. Along with all the therapies in which I engaged my daughter, I threw myself into my own therapeutic journey with the hope of pulling myself out of my hole of despair.
And so with the help of a wonderful therapist, the clouds started to slowly shift and bits of sun rays peeked through. Instead of focusing on all she wasn’t and couldn’t do (certainly not in the normal timely fashion), I began to take in and appreciate what she was and her small steps of progress. Her smiley nature, her easy-going disposition despite all the handling by the weekly parade of therapists, found their way into me and broke up some of those particles of guck. I saw that I could live with pain and derive joy from her at the same time. I could go to the park, see the other babies on their ‘normal’ time frame of development and not drown in the ‘why can’t my baby be like them’ mantra.
Through her terrifically developing social personality, she lit my way. My focus in raising her became helping her be as independent as possible (not unlike with all our children) and helping her feel good about herself (again, similar to all children). I started honing in her strengths of character. I felt such pride when she was referred to as mayor of her elementary school due to her delightful charm and poise. And yes, it still hurt that she couldn’t ride a bicycle and later on that she couldn’t take driving lessons, and I still was able to revel in her joyful engagement with life.
Sadness nudges up against me every so often when I ‘allow’ myself to think how Nava will not follow the path of her sisters as they continue to grow their families. But again, I also feel pride, joy and deep satisfaction in who she is and how she’s living her life. She continues to grow and learn new things and is proud of her accomplishments. Just the other day she called me up from her group home excitedly telling me how she wrote her first check for a dinner she was attending. And when I dare question her as to why she doesn’t call more often, she replies, “I’m independent now, I don’t need to call you all the time.” Touche! I pat myself on the back and chuckle, “job well done.”
It’s so easy to fall prey to what we don’t have, what we aren’t, and thereby be unhappy. Not that this is about happiness, but it is about feeling grateful for all that we have. And gratitude promotes a sense of well-being. Nava has been my greatest teacher in this lesson of life. She lives with joy and gratitude for everything she does. It’s the way towards a rich life. Nava has provided me with tremendous riches.
This has transferred to much of my outlook where I focus on the Yey’s as opposed to the Nay’s. The Nay’s can live next to the Yey’s but when we reflect and pull from the good stuff, we end up with more of it. When we focus on what’s going well and what’s working and feel appreciation and gratitude, we have a greater ability to deal with what’s not going so well in our lives. It provides us with some good coping skills.
Practice enjoying that doughnut but not necessarily by eating too many. How about writing down three things you’re grateful for every night before bed? Try that consistently for a week and then on for a month. Your focus will start to shift towards those sprinkles.
Harriet Cabelly is a social worker and life coach emphasizing living life to its fullest and creating a good life out of (or despite) adversity. She blogs at her site, www.rebuildlifenow.com Her Interview column highlights people who have transcended their personal challenges and carved out a life filled with meaning, joy and growth beyond their difficulties. Harriet is also passionate about parenting and facilitates many parenting workshops, empowering parents to step back from hovering and encourage their children’s resiliency skills. Recently she’s added ‘laughing’ to her repertoire of presentations and you can now find her leading laughter workshops with many varied groups.