GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE HOLIDAYS
As I looked around the neighborhood I was amazed at what I saw. House after house decorated with beautiful Christmas decor. Look at that house! Lights. Garland. Trimming. The works. It looked so good. So warm and inviting. So loving and kind.
Then there was my house. The one with no Christmas décor; No nothing ~ just dark, cold, and lifeless. My house seemed to be the only house on the block with no holiday cheer. That’s how I remember it.
See we didn’t celebrate holidays in my house growing up. No Christmas. No Hanukkah. No Thanksgiving. No birthdays. A gift? What’s a gift? It was a household of complete and total deprivation.
Naturally I absorbed things the only way I knew how. I made it all about me. Believing more and more each day that it was all my fault. That I didn’t deserve any better. That I was a worthless piece of you know what. Seriously, how else is a nine year old little boy suppose to interpret this kind of stuff.
If you haven’t guessed by now, this long overdue post is about the holidays. It’s the time of the year when I get to operate from one of two different places. I can either A) revert to my childhood and let that old belief dictate and run the show. Energy that says I’m worthless and don’t matter. A old belief that does me not good yet wants to be in charge. Or I can B) change the way I look at the holidays. Make it what I want for myself and enjoy it. I like “B” a whole lot better but boy is “A” a tough one to shake.
“A” is ugly energy that I’ve been putting out into the world year after year for all to see. Like my childhood house. Dark and cold. It’s energy that says I don’t deserve any better. That the gift I give a friend isn’t good enough. That it should be more expensive. Bigger and better. The best. Energy that says I don’t deserve the thoughtful gift someone gives me. That their gift to me is better than the one I gave them and that they know it and don’t like it. Energy that I keep putting out into the universe.
“B” is recovery. “B” is me changing the way I look at the world. It’s me bringing my old belief out into the open and wrapping my arms around it. Loving it. Parenting it. What if instead of my worrying about gifts and being good enough I remind myself that my life is unfolding perfectly. That everything is okay. That change is okay. What if I embrace the adventure of it all. When I can change the way I look at the world, the world changes. It’s my responsibility to look at my stuff and fix it. That’s recovery.
Today I get to be the man the universe has always wanted me to be. Not that scared lonely little kid that didn’t get to celebrate holidays or birthdays. No. I get to be whatever I want. Whoever I want. Today anything is possible. I’m okay. I always have been. Sometimes we all just need a little reminder. Happy holidays everyone!