A FULL EXPERIENCE
I was in Lake Tahoe over the summer for 5 days. On our last full day there we hiked up to Angora Lake which is somewhat off the beaten path. Service roads to get there. That kind of place.
Um yeah. Kind of stunning. Paddle boarding, rock diving, kayaking to name a few of the activities.
Not a huge lake but big enough. Like I said, stunning. Oh and if that’s not enough they have fresh squeezed lemonade. Yum!
A man died there that day. Pulled out from the bottom of the lake and brought to shore not ten feet from us. Dead. Father of 4. 42 years old. Horrible.
When leaving I saw his kids. A couple of them playing having no clue what had just happened. Obviously they had been shielded from this tragic event.
I sat there and started crying. The experience catching up to me but even more so my past getting triggered. My mom died when I was 3 1/2. I too was shielded. I too had no idea what had happened to my loving parent.
I came home after a long trying week and shared with my spiritual community about the man that drowned and how it affected me. I was so sad. Sobbing through my entire share.
Afterwords a friend pulled me to the side and asked “What was good about the trip?” Glad he asked. I told him I kept a list of all the negative and positive experiences from the entire week
“Were the negatives first on your list or were the positives first?” he asked.
I told him the negatives. “Zach, you are addicted to drama” he said.
“I’d really like you think about focussing on the positives” he continued. “Because I heard in your share that you brought home a dead man from your vacation.” And you know what. He was right.
“Zach” he continued “you are entitled to the good stuff.” He then asked me to tell him one good thing from my vacation. I told him we ate PBJ sandwiches under the stars by candlelight during a power outage. “I want to eat PBJ sandwiches under the stars by candlelight” he excitingly repeated back.
I get it. I have a negative thinking pattern. Things are either black or white. All or nothing. I catastrophize things.
What I need to learn is to be able to hold more than one thing at a time. I brought home awful rather than wow a lot happened. The death was painful and strange but so much more happened. A full experience that’s what.
A lot of us with relational trauma hold onto just the negative. Poor me. Oh this. Oh that. Instead of saying, wow that was a full trip. Some really difficult times and some really amazing times.
Our brains are so use to all or nothing. Black or white. If it’s not good it’s bad. If it’s not bad its good. Instead of, it is what it is.
That’s a whole paradigm shift. To be able to carry it all. Pain, discomfort, joy, gratitude. If we can learn to do that then we’re looking at some serious zen you know what.
It’s not that we want to pretend that nothing bad happens but we are wired as a species to notice the bad stuff. Watch out for that car! There’s a snake over there so be careful!
That’s how we survive. Pepper in a little relational trauma and you get guys like me that get stuck in that negative thinking pattern. I am wired to notice the bad. What was that? Did you hear that? Yeah that kind of stuff.
Those of us that have trauma have to re- wire ourselves to notice the bigger picture. Don’t just notice the beautiful flower. Stop and smell the roses! Take them in. Enjoy them. Let the cute little puppy walking down the block cultivate a sense of joy in your body. That’s the work!
Zachary Goodson is a coffee addict and yoga lover, inspired by intentional living. His writing focuses on his experiences around holistic health, inner child work, addiction, recovery and spirituality. He is currently writing his first book and blogs at: abigyearforme.blogspot.com. Email him at zgoodson12@gmail.com.